The article that I would like to discuss with the class today relates to our last week discussion of dating in later life. As we have learned from the current events presented in class elders do use Internet and dating websites to find a dating partner and possibly a future spouse. The article How to Find Love Later in Life contains an interview with the Washington Post columnist who published a book based on her year-long research at the Stanford Center on Longevity. According to her point of view there are substantial differences between dating in your 30s and 60s. People in their 60-s are much less pressured into relation and finding a mate, therefore they can spend more time trying to find the right partner, moreover, many people at these age have already accomplished so called adult tasks that society expects them to accomplish (e.g. financial stability, independence, raised children), so they can freely choose the path they would like to take in their relations. Another difference that I find important is that people at this age are much less influenced by their parents’ views of an “ideal” partner; therefore they can expand the pool of potential candidates without worrying about parental disapproval. Additionally friendship is crucial at this age; therefore you are looking for the qualities of a good friend and not just physical appearance. I think that people at this age have different beauty standards and expectations from relations comparing to those of people in 20s.
From my point of view the author made some interesting statements, for example, that people in their second or third relations often feel the need to compete with the first relations, and it is of paramount importance for the couple to acknowledge that each of them had a previous life before this later life relation. I believe it would be especially difficult for a never-married person to enter relations or marriage in later life with a person who is divorced or widowed. Finally the author talks about the typical mistakes that seniors make, for example, they focus only on their dating partner and do not have a sufficient network of friends. As we have discussed in class, the circle of friends narrows down with age, as your friends move away to the nursing home, or pass away and you have much less of a chance to create new friendships. The article suggests that a person should have about eight or ten people in his circle, and if a person has below three, he/she leads an isolated life.
Questions for the class:
1) Can you think of other unique differences (not mentioned in the article) between dating in 50s, compared with 20s and 30s?
2) What do you think are some obstacles for dating in later life?
3) The article mentioned the number of friends in the circle. How many people should an elder have in his/her network friends not to be considered isolated?
4) Where do you think elders can meet their potential dating partners? What will be the easiest and safest place?
Article Link:
http://money.usnews.com/money/retirement/articles/2009/02/20/how-to-find-love-later-in-life
I think if you're dating in your 60s there are differences than if you're dating in your 20s. One difference is that although you may not be dependent on what your parents think of your partner, that role could be replaced by what your friends think. Not that in your 20s your friends' opinions don't matter, but they may matter more in your 60s.
ReplyDeleteOne obstacle for dating in later life is how to deal with your adult children if you have them. Do you take their opinion into consideration? How soon do you introduce them to whoever you're dating?
I think an elder should have 10 relatives and close friends that they can turn to for help or just friendship in general. I think that number is high enough so that someone will always be available.
I think that elders can meet their potential dating partners in age segregated events so they can find people with similarities to them. I think the easiest and safest place are local gathering places and social events. They should not meet in isolated one-on-one event which can be dangerous at any age.
I think a big difference between dating in your 60's vs 30's is how you view the relationship. When dating in your 20's/30's you are trying to find someone to spend the rest of your life with and, therefore, have to look more closely at positive and negative characteristics of someone. You are a lot more critical when looking for someone to spend the next 50 years with. When dating when you are 60, however, you may not even be concerned with getting married. You may just be looking for a friend to spend time with and thus do not have to be so picky about who you are with. As long as you are having fun you do not have to worry about what their income level is, what their career goals are, if they want to have children and their views on raising them, etc. It is a lot easier to date when you are that old because you simply to not have to weight out strengths and weaknesses to the extent you do when you are young.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there is a difference in dating at a younger age versus later life. At a younger age you are looking for someone to love and possibly have children with and at an older age it could be as simple as finding companionship. I worked in a nursing home for many years and I witnessed the residents lose their husband/wife in their 60's and this is the most devastating experience to watch someone go through. They feel alone and lost. To have someone to spend time with is important. I feel that is is healthy and supportive. Later life dating is great to many aspects and I don't think age should deter someone from dating and being happy.
ReplyDeleteI find dating in later life to be a very interesting topic thinking about my grandpa and his girlfriend. My grandpa retired at age 55 and has since been able to actually enjoy his life after years of working a labor intense job of being a mechanic and supporting 3 children as a single father. He dated his last girlfriend for 5 years and they lived together because they thought that they would soon get married ( they didn't focus on this too much because they both had previously been married and had grown children). After they had an extremely messy breakup it was hard for him because since he was already retired he was bored being at home and not having anyone. I remember that he had my brother make him a facebook and they spent a whole day taking pictures for it and he started going out to the bars which is where he met his current girlfriend. She is a widow with two grown children and about the same age as him and it is hilarious to see them together because they are both happy and enjoying life together and they act young again. I think since they both are more mature now and have been in rough relationships they know what they are looking for and are not afraid to put themselves out there and I think a lot of couples become much more fearless in older age because they don't know how much time they have left. I also find it funny how they met and the fact that they post back and forth on facebook because it is outside of their age norms.
ReplyDeleteDevin, I agree with you up to a point, but I do believe people in their 60s because of their experience and wisdom are more picky and less trusting, they do not have naive views of the dating and human nature in general. Moreover, they have more to lose, for instance their assets in case of future divorce.
ReplyDeleteI think it is interesting that the article mentions that people dating in their 60s can expand beyond the normal pool of candidates without worrying about parent disapproval. Maybe I am alone here, but I think my parents opinions will always be shaped into what I would want in a husband. Not only do they know what is best for me, but I also wouldn't ever consider a husband that my brothers didn't approve of either. My family's approval would mean a lot to me and would always follow me throughout my whole life. Maybe I am not the norm though?
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Stephanie, maybe more so on the sibling aspect of approval though. A lot of people in their 60s dont have parents that are living so they would depend on approval from their siblings and especially children. I know my grandma has asked my opinion on what wee think about her new 'friend' that she is talking to, but it is still very hard for my family in regards to comparing to my grandpa that passed away. In the end, it only matters as long as she is happy and has someone she can depend on in later life.
ReplyDeleteI think that this is a very interesting topic. Like many others, my grandmother dated a man for 3 years. They dated primarily for companionship and never spoke of getting married. I think that it was a very beneficial relationship for both of them to have and I noticed a marked improvement in my grandma's overall mood.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that there are a specific number of people that an older adult has to be associated with in order to be considered isolated or not isolated. I think that it depends on the person. Just like younger adults, some people have more friends than others. I think that continuing to have as many friends as "usual" is a way in which individuals can prevent themselves from becoming isolated.
Another perspective on this issue that I just thought about is what if the elder member of the family is divorces and the ex-spouse is still alive, for instance parents divorced in later life and a woman wants to date. Even though technically she should not care about her ex-husband's approval of her dating partner, his opinion will be very important for the children and he potentially can bring the disagreement in the family, therefore I do believe dating and choosing a future spouse is NEVER easy!
ReplyDeleteI think dating in your 20s and 30s is much different than dating in your 60s and later in life. When you are dating at younger ages you may not be exactly sure what you are looking for and what qualities you want in a spouse. You are also looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with and possibly have a family with. Dating in your 60s you may just want a companion for friendship since you are not looking to build a family or spend the majority of your life with that person.
ReplyDeleteChelsea, what about people who are looking to build a family in their 60-s? I think it is all about how you define the concept of a family. If it is just procreation, then of course people are not physically capable to have children at that age. However if you look at the broader definition of a family, then certainly some people do want to build a family in their 60s and spend the rest of the years together.
ReplyDelete